Darkoshi

My sweet Zorro-puppy died on Monday, at 12 years of age. May she rest in peace. We had to put her to sleep. I was in tears for three days but have started feeling more normal again. I wrote a lot of thoughts down to help process my emotions, and will put some of them into a longer post.

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Early Monday morning, after midnight (when Zorro still seemed fine!), we had a 3.3 earthquake nearby, while I was still up and awake to notice it. I was looking at the TV, and it shook or bounced or something, and there was a big rumbling sound. But nothing fell down. At the time, I wondered if it could have been a bomb or an explosion in the distance.

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I have signed up to attend a Planned Parenthood / Abortion Rights rally downtown tomorrow. I wonder how many people will attend; I don't really expect a large crowd. I don't have any sign to hold, and it is too late now to think of making one. I'm no good at chanting or yelling. I'm sure I will feel quite awkward there. I hope I will at least find the other participants in order to join with them. I hope it won't be like the other time I went downtown for a protest where I felt like I was just someone on the sidelines, not really a part of it. I am not good at joining in on things. But I feel like maybe just being an extra body there will make some kind of tiny tiny difference.

Aah. Goodness. I think it is a lot easier to fall asleep when one is feeling sad, than when one is feeling good/happy/excited.

If being happy means not being able to fall asleep, I don't know if I can handle it.

I was standing on the scale this morning, watching the dial shake back and forth from my heartbeat.

And if being happy/excited means having a positive attitude, and looking forward to things, how can one but help becoming sad when the things one looks forward to don't end up happening?
And how can one help but thinking, "Why should I continue to believe that good things are going to happen, when they don't? Why should I believe a lie?"

And it seems a lot easier to make oneself sad, than to make oneself happy... perhaps I've gotten into the habit of taking the easy way.

It seems like more than half the time, perhaps 2/3s even, after these bdsm-related get-togethers, I end up being sad and crying... weeping, while driving home. Perhaps it wouldn't be quite so bad if I at least understood why I was crying.

Just the stress of being around people? Nah, I don't usually cry on the way home from work. But then again, at work, I'm in my cubicle a good bit of the time, doing useful, productive stuff. And when I don't have useful, productive stuff to do at work, I am more likely to feel like crying...

First of all, I didn't even realize it was going to be an all-out play-party. Which is a bit stupid, I guess, considering that the other times at their house, it wasn't unusual for play to occur. But before, it was never like this, with everyone else ending up playing besides me (and besides her, being the good host that she is)...

And the music... I have to stop having this desire to give people music. It's obvious they don't much like my kind of music... Or if they do, it doesn't really matter, because I end up feeling stupid about it anyway.

And my cornpuffs, my last bag of cornpuffs until I go to Kroger again... normally when I bring a snack, I leave the leftovers for the host, because they deserve at least that much for having gone thru the trouble of hosting the get-together... But this time, I wanted my leftover cornpuffs. And so I focused on the first part of the remark "You can take them home with you if you want. If not, I'll eat them up" and took them. I hope it wasn't rude.

Last year, I wrote...
"eh. / stupid me, i could have gone to a play-party / but i didn't feel like signing up for it. / stupid me.
oh get real. / you'd just be sitting there watching people / and not doing anything / and not talking to anyone / and getting bored."

And it was like that yesterday. On the one hand, it was interesting. Seeing people I hadn't seen play before, play. Seeing the beginnings of a cutting being done. Seeing needles being poked through breasts. Watching someone moan happily and giggle, and eagerly hand him another needle. Watching the newspaper turn into green flames in the fireplace.

But on the other hand, it was a bit boring.... or whatever it is, when one is just sitting there, watching. The sad thing being, that I didn't even have any desire to participate myself (and if someone had offered, I probably would have declined, and then felt bad about having declined). I have no desire to play with them... Sure, I could let someone beat on me, or poke needles in me, etc., but there doesn't seem any point to it at all. I might as well just sit and watch, for all that I would get from it.

The only person I have the desire to do that kind of stuff with so far, is Wododu. Because he affects me in some mental D/s and fluttery-in-my-stomach way. And I don't understand why I might even let him poke needles through my breasts... into my nipples... when with anyone else, the thought of that would bother me too much. But shouldn't it bother me with him, too? He's no different from them; he doesn't really seem to understand either. It doesn't make sense, the way I feel with him.

But yesterday towards the end, with me sitting on the steps and wondering how it happened that I was sitting alone there, while everyone else no longer involved in play was sitting and chatting in the next room... wondering what I did wrong, to end up over here and not over there... but thinking that I didn't really want to be over there, listening to them chat, either...

And thinking, what is the point of all this? And thinking that I shouldn't go to any more get-togethers or meet&greets or munches, when all it does is make me want to cry. And thinking that I'll probably feel different in a few days again anyway (I never feel this way before an event), and thinking that I can't just drop out of the group right now, because then maybe they'd think that I was disturbed by the play I saw at the play-party, when it's not that at all... And thinking that maybe I shouldn't even go see Wododu again, because what is the point of that, either??

I could really use a hug right now. A real one.