Darkoshi

BDSM. There are types of play I don't like because they are painful. I guess it is more than that. Not just painful, but objectionable to me. But still, very painful. Like nipple torture. I don't want nipple torture. And I don't want clamps on my labia. Never experienced them, but I know I wouldn't like it. Because having clamps stuck to me in such a private place... such a slimey place too... is mentally objectionable to me. And it would probably hurt a lot. But I wouldn't want clamps in other tender areas either. In fact, the whole idea of clamps is unpleasant to me, and I don't really have any desire to try them out. I don't like the idea of metal or even plastic pincers pressing and squishing my flesh. And it would be not just painful, but a constant enduring ongoing pain; different from impact play, where the pain comes and goes quickly. Not something grabbing you unnaturally; hanging onto your flesh unnaturally; stretching, deforming your flesh...

I guess those should just be limits for me.

But what is the point of BDSM play if you only allow the kind of play that isn't objectionable to you? If you dis-allow the things that are really painful and really unpleasant? If you stick to only those things that don't bother you so much, even though they can be quite painful too? What is the point of submitting to a certain kind of pain, if you know you're not really submitting to the really bad pain? It doesn't feel good like getting a massage, but neither can you mentally feel like you're really submitting to someone else's desires either; you can't feel like you're really under someone else's control.

But why would I want to be under someone's control, who did very unpleasant things to me? I wouldn't want that.

And yet with everything else, it is really me who is still in control. So what is the point of enduring the pain then anyway?

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Oh so this does sort of tie into something I was writing last week....

I do not like pain-play/SM as foreplay.
It is unerotic to be nervous and worried about one's partner being about to cause one extreme pain;
it is inimical to being able to relax
and to wanting to be close and snuggling, etc. with the other person.

When it is separate from sex/foreplay, then the pain is still unpleasant,
but I can feel subbie afterwards from having submitted to it.
I can feel warm... relaxed, when I know it is over, and I survived it.

I suppose it can seem erotic to have a sadist cause one pain,
and during that, to "take you" and have sex with you...
then it is just submitting to another thing as part of it all.
But I don't like the pain-play and pleasure mixed.
The pleasure isn't as pleasurable when I'm worried about pain.

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If I have to be active during sex, like doing a hand-job or oral...

being actively submissive
vs passively submissive...

passive submission + pain -> subbie (afterwards)
passive submission + pleasure (no pain) -> erotic
active submission + no pain -> subbie (during and/or after)
active submission + pain -> un-subbieness

Pain makes me want to get away, not to submit.
It makes me angry / defensive / non-subbie.
Submitting to it or to the situation of it can make me feel subbie afterwards,
but during it, and close afterwards, I feel non-subbie / angry / annoyed
not like submitting to other things


In my old fantasies...

pain -> you're the enemy
pain -> a method to get me to give in to something
pain -> a punishment for not obeying

pain (no purpose) -> to demonstrate you're in charge (I have no control over it)

In real life...

real pain -> just for the heck of it
-> because I'm supposed to like it
-> because they're supposed to like it
(not enough feedback that they actually enjoy it, for me to really believe it)

In real life, when I "submit" to pain-play, I feel like I'm in charge / why am I putting up with this?
(It is really in my control, not theirs).
Makes me question why I'm putting up with the active / non-painful things too.
Makes me feel more distant from the other person.

In fantasy, it makes me feel closer to the other person...
-> they care about me (if they didn't care, they wouldn't bother)
-> they want something from me
... I am important to them.
It's not a matter of whether I submit or not, of whether I obey or not (like it is in real life),
because they always win anyway;
I always end up submitting, because I make the fantasy so that I can't win or get away,
and so that I have side-by-side good feelings about the other person.

Except none of that is necessarily true in solely sexual fantasies, like my more recent ones.
Those are utterly lacking feelings of affection or caring or closeness.